by Sylvan Migdal
FDA APPROVES NEW HEROIN
PATCH FOR DRUG THERAPY
A new aid for drug therapy, which the FDA calls “ammunition for the War on Drugs”, was approved by for sale in the US recently. This “Heroin Patch” releases small quantities of the powerful narcotic into the body. The patch uses a three step program, with three different sized patches. The system uses gradual increases in the size of the patch and thus the dosage, until the user is so addicted that he or she must go to the next stage of the program. Currently sold is the first stage, but the producers of the patch, Narco, plan to release Stage 2, (MSRP $999.99) which is a day’s supply of patches. Certain FDA officials have expressed doubt about the medical validity of the patch, but as FDA chairman Ronald O’Donnel responded, “They’re just jealous because they weren’t bribed-- oh crap, did I just say that out loud?!”
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PHYSICISTS OVERTURN THEORY OF RELATIVITY; MEASURE TORQUE IN EINSTEIN’S GRAVE
After nearly 100 years of success, Einstein’s Theory of Relativity was disproven by a team of scientists last Thursday. Like many great discoveries, theirs came about because of a happy accident. One researcher, Dr. Gerald Üfler, happened to toss a crumpled up piece of paper into the garbage can.
“To my astonishment,” said Üfler, “The paper had exceeded the speed of light. This was accompanied by the visual equivalent of a sonic boom: a flash of light in a new distinct color which I have named ‘Fleem’, a sort of greeny, reddish blue. Further testing by myself and Dr. Faddler showed that the paper travelled at 83 times 1097 meters per second, considerably faster than light.”
Tests for mind-altering chemicals in the water supply are now being conducted at the Drondalson Laboratory, where the momentous discovery took place.
MATHEMATICIAN WARNS WORLD WILL END IN YpiK
The millenium has come and gone with disappointingly little in the way of nuclear wars and rides by apocalyptic horsepersons. Fortunately, mathematician Berden Scallaway believe that they have discovered when the world will end. Some time during the year 3142, which has been dubbed “YpiK” by researchers, time will stop.
Said Dr. Scallaway, “Somethime in February of YpiK, time will simply grind to a halt. As everyone knows, pi is an irrational number, a nonterminating decimal. Since time can never quite reach the moment when it is precisely YpiK, time will be forced to stop.”
Unfortunately, Dr. Scallaway was unable to explain further as visiting hour at the institution ended at this time.
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